Walk a mile in my shoes

So it's been a whole week since I last blogged...So much can happen in a week and so much did.

I'm not sure if it's just me who has these 'moments' but I can't even remember what I did last Monday, Tues: I took a friend up to hospital, Wed: work and went over to my sissy's for dinner and a sleepover (sounds like I'm 12 years old), Thurs: work and a friends 18th and a night out at Fridays..(I felt like a bloody Nana!!!) Fri:  Work and  2 movies on the couch, Sat: Stepdad's 60th, Sun: BBQ with the fam and a trip to the skate park (for the kids..not me) oh and again 2 movies on the couch...old habits die hard.

So I've gone from being 12 years old to being a nana in the space of one night, but don't they say age is just a number???  I know some 18 year olds who seem more mature than some 40 years olds I know, and by who's definition is it on what is the appropriate way for someone of a certain age to act? is there an appropriate way? I'm no spring chicken but I'm not an old duck either... So how do I behave??

I think I agree with the quote that 'age is just a number' Everybody has a unique way at looking at life, some may have been brought up with hardships in their life that they have had to 'grow' up fast and are responsible and mature for their 'age' while others may well have had everything handed to them on a silver platter and haven't had a hard day in their life and therefore want everything right now and will have a tantrum like you would expect a two year old to have just so they can get their own way. 

Question...who hasn't done this??? Gone out for a night, drunk a bit too much, was very loud and a bit cheeky, and probably woke up the next day saying they will never drink again..

Some of you may have done it at 18 or others, like myself, didn't really get to go out at that age for one reason or another, have found themselves single at a later stage in their life and are now revelling in their new found freedom to go out and have a bit of fun!

My Mum thinks I am out of control, I know this because she told me on Sunday at the BBQ, I don't get how me going out one night in every 3 or so weeks is being out of control? It's not like it's going to last forever now is it, sure I have a few Vodka and Raspberry's (there's the 12 year old surfacing again - I mean about the raspberry, not the Vodka) meet new people and have a great time, and every now and then I have a slight hangover but seriously who am I hurting? (apart from my own head in the morning)

I had my first baby at 23, an unexpected surprise, and so I became the best little stay at home mum I could be, I made all of my little girls food from scratch, I took her to swimming lessons, I made all the party food, did all the fun stuff like making my own play doh and doing craft at home, waited till she was 18 months before I did some part time work, I dedicated my whole being to creating the perfect home environment that I possibly could, I had my second baby at 28 and again, did all those things that I did with my firstborn.

I lived for my children and my fiance and when I found myself single at 31 with a 7 and a 2 year old, with no money behind me and only a little car to my name...I was lost, I felt hopeless and I didn't know who I was anymore, it has taken me over 16 months to start to find my feet, crawl out from the shell I had hidden myself in and become brave enough and confident enough to push myself out into this world and start to live again.

Through my eyes I don't see it that I am out of control, I see it that I have only just begun to become in control, I believe we have to hit rock bottom before we can claw our way back up and to me, this is just what I have begun to do. 

So therefore I am telling you (and also myself) it's ok to go out and have a drink every now and then, this is your life, you are the only person who has to live with 'you' 24 hours a day for the rest of your life, so go out and  do ALL the things that make you happy!!!

Theory outcome

The weekend, was it all I had planned it to be?

Yes, Yes it was.

Cleaned the house, washed the car (well my nephew did...), did the groceries, fun right? But wait...it does get better

Saturday night...

It went from being a quiet night over at a friends place to drunk dialing...a babysitter!!!  to a VERY drunken and fun night out on the town!!!

It was fairly quiet when we arrived at our destination, the upside of this is being not a long wait at the bar in between drinks!

I don't think I have ever danced so much in my life, the music was pretty crap to start with but  after another couple of hours they could have been playing 'cotton eye joe' for all I cared, I was dancing to the beat of my own drum and loving every minute of it

I talked and danced with so many people who I swore were going to be my new best friends but for some reason I can't seem to remember their names..

I mentioned in an earlier post that I was testing a theory that 'what you feel you attract' and I think there might just be something to this....

I had told myself I was going to go out feeling 'Super hot, confident, rich and kind' and see what happened, and guess what? I met someone who pretty much ticked all the boxes!

I'm not saying I've met my future boyfriend but I spent a good while talking to this person and he slipped me his number as I was heading home ( and his name I can remember...he wrote it down lol )

So in conclusion to proving this theory, I have decided  there is to be no more negative talk going on in my head, only positive and I'm going to be open to all the possibilities I can create with my new found knowledge.

Look out world!!!

P.S Sunday morning wasn't the best part of the weekend

Safety in numbers

Isn't it funny how different songs resonate with different times in our life and it seems that they are directly talking to us, reflecting how we are feeling at that particular time.

For example, Christina Perri's Jar of hearts....:"I learned to live half alive and now you want me one more time, who do you think you are running around leavin' scars", when the ex calls wanting you back and Lily Allen: Go back to the start ..."You were always the taller and prettier one" whenever I hear this I think of my sister.


When I start to feel lonely or sad I crank up the music and sing along at the top of my lungs (well....if you can call it singing) so that even my deaf next door neighbours can hear and think a cat is being killed.  It makes me realise it's not only me that is feeling this way because if someone else has written a song about it chances are they have felt like that too!


I like it when I feel happy and it sometimes takes a friends pep talk and their company to make me realise things aren't so bad and I do in fact have a lot to offer this world and that the world also has a lot to offer me.


Some people aren't so lucky to have friends like mine, mine are awesome and I don't know where I would be without them, they are all different and unique and special in their own way and that is why I love them so much.

When I think of them and how they make me feel it it makes me want to share those same feelings with the world.


Their belief in me has spurred me on to finally get my 'styling' business back up and running (something I am very good at) because I to want people to feel happiness within themselves and be proud of who they are, Marilyn Monroe once said "Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are" and I couldn't agree more.

So if you feel like you want to enhance the already awesome unique individual you already are and are a bit afraid or unsure what suits you, remember I am here for you, every step of the way and I promise not to sing!

http://www.facebook.com/styleheist

http://styleheist.com.au/

What you feel you attract

So today I'm in Nambour....fashion capital of the Sunshine Coast, if you think that bare feet, greasy hair, flanno's, visible butt cracks, missing teeth and B.O are in fashion!!!!  

If you ever want to feel better about yourself then head straight there!!!!  

I never realised how many fine looking people lived on the Coast and now I know where they have all been hiding I think I should take down my internet dating profiles and just pull up a stool at the taxi rank and await my prince charming there.

I know I feel a bit overweight and ugly at the moment but how is it that these gorgeous creatures can have boyfriends and I can't?  

Are my standards too high?

Well I don't think they are, I mean a job, a licence and someone who treats me nice really isn't asking too much?  

They say 'what you feel you attract', but I can't even seem to attract someone who is  fat and down on their confidence, so what's the trick?

Maybe I'm just not concentrating hard enough?

I am just going to have to go out this weekend (for research purposes) 'feeling' super hot, confident, rich and kind and see what happens....

what I've gained

Well today I was supposed to be having a reading by a very on to it friend of mine and my whole life was going to be mapped out so that I didn't have to worry about what lay ahead of me as she was going to tell me all will be fine and that I was heading in the right direction...Well that plan went up shit creek as she, long story short has ended up in hospital (she is ok, I have checked) 

So instead I have spent the last 24 hours getting my twitter, website, linked-in and facebook pages up to scratch as I really want to do something with my life rather than stay at home compulsively eat, watch DVD after DVD and read novel after novel, which is what I have been doing for the past 6 months or so, you may not think that I have gained anything from that but I tell you I have!!  I have gained 15 kg, I could become a movie reviewer, and I can also tell you that reading the 50 shades of grey is quite depressing when you are single and feeling fat!

So the compulsive eating thing...well hasn't that F**Ked me up good and proper! Prior to the 15kg I gained I was working as a stylist and the work that I had done was unreal! but all that went on the back burner because I no longer felt fashionable or confident within myself because of the extra weight I was (and still am) carrying.

For the first time in 31 years I actually started living alone (well I had 2 kids with me but that doesn't count.) I went from living at home with my parents to moving in with a flatmate (who went on to become my (ex) partner of 10 years and the father to my children) to moving out back to my Dads when I left my relationship, my Dad then moved away for work and that's when I was left fending for myself and living ALONE.

I had always been really disciplined in how I ate but being on my own I became bored and changed my mindset to 'who cares what I look like, I live out in woop woop no-one is going to see me and I just don't care anymore!' so off I went down to the servo! (they have good specials on junk food and are open late night)

Night 1. One BIG bag of chips and a magnum, 

Night 2. One BIG bag of chips and two magnums, (different flavours) 

Night 3. Two BIG bags of chips and two cornettos!!! (again, all different flavours, variety is the spice of life)

I rang my sister after night 4 as I felt I was STARTING to get out of control, I relayed night 1 to her she said that that wasn't too bad, but then came night 2 and 3, "Woah Hayley, that is a lot!' she said.....But wait I hadn't told her night 4 yet! I don't even know that I should be telling you that as she still won't let me live it down!!! 

(This deserves it's own paragraph)

So... Night 4. TEN Ice blocks!!!!

I tried to reason with my sister that they were only black and gold brand but it didn't matter, I could hear her shock through the phone, what had I become!!! 10 freaking ice blocks and not the icey variety either!! choc topped creamy ones at that!!! 

 (I later went back and checked the pack and it was only 8,  and that makes me feel slightly better, every time the 'ice block' topic comes up with her "10 ice blocks Hayley 10 iceblocks!!!!"  I stress it was ONLY 8 not 10!!!)

So even at hearing the shock in her voice it still didn't stop me, it became a sort of game then to me, I don't know why but it just did. The new game was to see how much I could eat before I felt sick and for a previously little person I can tell you that it was quite a lot, I would eat for the sake of eating, I wasn't hungry but I just had this need to do it and do it I did!

So here I am now, 6 months down the track, 15kg heavier feeling like I'm not worthy and that I look hideous,  and as I'm the only person who can fix that, it's time to get motivated, put my food in a time lock safe and find things to do that interest me (like this blog) instead of eating like there's no tomorrow.

A starting point..

'Finding Hayley' WTF?.....Did I loose her????  Well to be more accurate I don't think I have ever been found!!! 

I have has this blog since October 2011 but have not had the guts to even write one sentence up until now, I was so worried about what people would think or say about me. But if I stay in that mindset I'm never going to get anywhere am I?  So here it is, my starting point..

I have spent the last 31 years of my life living it through the eyes of everyone else's needs and wants not caring if it suited me or made me happy and quite frankly I have had about enough.  

I have been the diligent student, the representative sports player, a big sister, a daughter, an aunt, a mother, a wife (well...nearly, I walked out (sounds so easy) on my 10 year relationship 6 months prior to my wedding) and everything else in between.

As you can probably tell by now I'm no writer, English was not my strongest subject at school but read along with me, make comments but be warned I am not writing this to make you happy, this is for me,  I will not be sugar coating it...  I would probably want to eat it if it was sugar coated!