what I've gained

Well today I was supposed to be having a reading by a very on to it friend of mine and my whole life was going to be mapped out so that I didn't have to worry about what lay ahead of me as she was going to tell me all will be fine and that I was heading in the right direction...Well that plan went up shit creek as she, long story short has ended up in hospital (she is ok, I have checked) 

So instead I have spent the last 24 hours getting my twitter, website, linked-in and facebook pages up to scratch as I really want to do something with my life rather than stay at home compulsively eat, watch DVD after DVD and read novel after novel, which is what I have been doing for the past 6 months or so, you may not think that I have gained anything from that but I tell you I have!!  I have gained 15 kg, I could become a movie reviewer, and I can also tell you that reading the 50 shades of grey is quite depressing when you are single and feeling fat!

So the compulsive eating thing...well hasn't that F**Ked me up good and proper! Prior to the 15kg I gained I was working as a stylist and the work that I had done was unreal! but all that went on the back burner because I no longer felt fashionable or confident within myself because of the extra weight I was (and still am) carrying.

For the first time in 31 years I actually started living alone (well I had 2 kids with me but that doesn't count.) I went from living at home with my parents to moving in with a flatmate (who went on to become my (ex) partner of 10 years and the father to my children) to moving out back to my Dads when I left my relationship, my Dad then moved away for work and that's when I was left fending for myself and living ALONE.

I had always been really disciplined in how I ate but being on my own I became bored and changed my mindset to 'who cares what I look like, I live out in woop woop no-one is going to see me and I just don't care anymore!' so off I went down to the servo! (they have good specials on junk food and are open late night)

Night 1. One BIG bag of chips and a magnum, 

Night 2. One BIG bag of chips and two magnums, (different flavours) 

Night 3. Two BIG bags of chips and two cornettos!!! (again, all different flavours, variety is the spice of life)

I rang my sister after night 4 as I felt I was STARTING to get out of control, I relayed night 1 to her she said that that wasn't too bad, but then came night 2 and 3, "Woah Hayley, that is a lot!' she said.....But wait I hadn't told her night 4 yet! I don't even know that I should be telling you that as she still won't let me live it down!!! 

(This deserves it's own paragraph)

So... Night 4. TEN Ice blocks!!!!

I tried to reason with my sister that they were only black and gold brand but it didn't matter, I could hear her shock through the phone, what had I become!!! 10 freaking ice blocks and not the icey variety either!! choc topped creamy ones at that!!! 

 (I later went back and checked the pack and it was only 8,  and that makes me feel slightly better, every time the 'ice block' topic comes up with her "10 ice blocks Hayley 10 iceblocks!!!!"  I stress it was ONLY 8 not 10!!!)

So even at hearing the shock in her voice it still didn't stop me, it became a sort of game then to me, I don't know why but it just did. The new game was to see how much I could eat before I felt sick and for a previously little person I can tell you that it was quite a lot, I would eat for the sake of eating, I wasn't hungry but I just had this need to do it and do it I did!

So here I am now, 6 months down the track, 15kg heavier feeling like I'm not worthy and that I look hideous,  and as I'm the only person who can fix that, it's time to get motivated, put my food in a time lock safe and find things to do that interest me (like this blog) instead of eating like there's no tomorrow.